i live in LA.

Sometimes the realization of the craziness of me moving to a city like LA hits me and I have to laugh. I can never remember desiring to live in a big city, but here I am. My address is Los Angeles and I work in Beverly Hills, strange. The pace here is faster, the people keep to themselves and there's just about any type of cuisine on every corner.

Not only is there the steep learning curve of moving to a fast-paced city, then there's the fact that I am starting my career as a nurse.... a career I pursued because I care about people and want to use my life to help others, alongside of the fact that empathy oozes out of me. All factors I initially thought created a strong foundation for why I could be a great nurse. Now.... well now I am not so sure.

Any nurse will tell you it takes a solid year of nursing before you feel like you aren't going to accidentally kill someone at work. I realize I have been doing this for 3 months now, but I never thought I could be so stressed out from a job. Yesterday a middle-aged nurse pulled me out of a patients room to tell me if I continue caring about my patients so much I am going to burn out. He said I need to protect myself and not get so emotionally involved. Ugh! That's like saying, I know you were born with curly hair, but from today on you need to wake up and have straight hair. How can I possibly step in to my patients lives for 12 hours at a time, learn all about their history, meet their family, be their shoulder to cry on when they're emotionally exhausted, provide care for them when their bodies are shutting down and try to show them the Love of Jesus and NOT feel empathy?? But on the other hand, how do I try to love my patients at work and not bring my work home with me?? 3 of my last 4 shifts have made me cry at some point throughout the day, also not healthy.

Then I leave the stress of work & being in germ land behind to be hit in the face with traffic, self-absorbed people and a cold apartment. One year ago today I was home for the first time after 7 months of traveling with the hope of seeing the world for myself. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined myself to be where I am today. Isn't it strange to see the way our lives pan out??

In need of a refurb...

I have been inspired by my sister... this blog is in need of some serious updating, considering it hasn't kept up with the changes of my life it's time my blog caught up with me.

Today was awful. My manager told me that my vacation request to have Christmas off was rejected after she had told me she would give it to me and I could take it off... to add salt to the wound she told me in front of a co-worker who struggles to show kindness to others so that when my manager left and I was bummed my co-worker took advantage to make a few snarky comments to kick me while I was down.

After the blow of bad news the day progressively got worse and I continually fell behind in my charting at work. By 6pm I had a Dr. mad at me, I was almost in tears and had an hours worth of charting and no time to do it. I didn't leave work until 2020 tonight. I am so over it. Why am I a nurse?? My patients appreciate me, but I am an idiot. I can't keep up with any of the orders and have such a hard time keeping my patients straight. When will work ever come naturally?? Everyday is so stressful. Maybe I should've gone into working at a grocery store. Being a checker has always looked fun to me... interact with people, scan food items all day long. No worries, no deadlines, just keep the line moving and I hear they make decent money. Maybe I'll retire from healthcare and join the grocery industry. I'll get back to you when I make a decision...