I was thinking about it tonight and this blog has been a good release for me. I am trying to turn a new leaf and "blog" on a somewhat regular basis with the hope that the excessive amount of thoughts in my head will decrease if I just put them out here in the internet world, so here goes nothing...
This weekend I had a breakdown. I realized throughout the past 5 years, maybe longer, I have been so focused on my plans of being a nurse, caring for others, having a steady paycheck that would be more than enough for myself I have not at all even given thought to even needing God for my daily needs. Why would I? I was headed for a successful career caring for others and could take one of my two weeks of vacation and travel and show Jesus' love overseas. Sounds perfect, right? Well the major problem was I never asked the Lord...
I kind of have to chuckle at the fact that I have worked in a coffee shop for the last 3 years to pay for my gas and personal bills making less than $8 an hour thinking "just suck it up for now, soon it will all be over," well now I find myself with my bachelors of science in nursing and I am yet again working at a coffee shop (hey! at least I am making more than $8 an hour!) Does our God know how to humble us or what?? When I reached a point of not being able to find joy in my present circumstances last weekend I lost it. I went to my room and cried in my pillow for a long, long time. Why? I think I was grieving a lot of losses that have come throughout the past year... like saying goodbye to college life, moving away from my home for the last 5 years back to a city that I don't feel I have a place or a reputation, kinda like starting from zero all over again, grieving not only the loss of my best friend, but also the loss of my future life with that best friend... but I think the biggest heartbreaker for me was the true status of my heart was revealed. I can smile and fake it to everyone around me, but the Lord looks at my heart and He knows that I have been making my own plans that included making lots of money and being secure on my own two feet without him.
In that moment of weakness I looked at my headboard and saw the devotion book: "My utmost for his highest" by Oswald Chambers sitting, so I picked it up and flicked through the pages as I said a quick and fervant prayer asking the Lord to reveal his heart to me in that moment through the book, this is the devotion I turned to:
July 5 - DON'T PLAN WITHOUT GOD- Psalm 37:5 "Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass."
God seems to have a delightful way of upsetting the plans we have made when we have not taken Him into account. Suddenly we realize that we have been making our plans without Him-that we have not even considered Him to be a vital, living factor in the planning of our lives. The only thing that will keep us from even the possibility of worrying is to bring God in as the greatest factor in all of our planning.
What an amazing God we serve that even in the middle of my selfish, self-centered breakdown he gently guides us and reminds us that He is there waiting for me to come to Him and He will comfort and guide in the way I should go. So what if this isn't what I had planned?? What if life always went as planned?? How boring would that be!?! :)
On that note I want to also share a song that has been a BIG part of my life throughout the past week:
YOUR LOVE IS STRONG by Jon Foreman
Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one
I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day
So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?
Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me
Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons
So now what?? I don't know... I am trying to daily trust Him to lead and am looking for the reasons why he has me working at Starbucks in Temecula and a makeup counter in Macy's. Who could be the person He is desiring me to reach? Maybe the Air Force is where I am supposed to be after all?? Maybe I am just supposed to sit tight and hold on for the wild ride to come?? I have no plans, and really no idea where I will end up, but that's all part of the fun, right? :)
